How To Survive A Day With Anorexia

PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS YOURSELF, UNLESS YOUR BODY IS USED TO IT YOU WILL REALLY DAMAGE YOURSELF!

1) Skip breakfast and weigh myself before I go downstairs.

2) Choose a healthy lunch. For the past few weeks I’ve been eating a small serving of melon and grapes, it adds up to 65 calories.

3) Do a quick workout. Nothing too strenuous, maybe a few jumping jacks or 15 minutes with a jump rope. This gets rid of at least 100 calories.

4) Weigh in again. I don’t worry too much if the scale hasn’t changed, it will eventually.

5) Drink lots of water. The body can cope without a lot of food for a few days or weeks at a time but it cannot do anything without water.

6) Check what I can do for lunch. I usually see what I can make, if there’s nothing I can throw together then I wait and see what my parents are making, if it’s too unhealthy I either pick at it just to keep my metabolism high or leave it and say I’m not hungry.

7) Weigh in again, of the scale hasn’t changed its okay, it might tomorrow. Or that’s what I tell myself. It hurts when it doesn’t move.

8) More exercise. I usually start off with the jumping rope again and then move on to so some pushups and situps, mountain climbers and some other stuff which takes my fancy.

Again, don’t try this, my body is used to this routine now and so it can cope with it.

The Truth About Anorexia

It’s unbelievable how many people there are out there that want anorexia or call themselves “ana” because they’re trying to lose a lot of weight. Why would you want this?

The hard truth is that anorexia hurts. It’s soul destroying and it’s not just simply wanting to lose a bit of weight.
It’s avoiding the mirror because it hurts to see yourself. It isn’t starving yourself, it’s finding ways to stop weight gain and enjoying the empty feeling and the feeling of hunger pains and it’s definitely not telling everyone you’re “pro ana”.

Who could be “pro” something that ruins lives and kills people?

That might sound contradictory because I’ve said I love my eating disorder for helping me in the past, but why pretend to be something you’re not to fit a fashion trend?

Nobody should choose this. Nobody should choose the sleepless nights, the dizziness, the illnesses, the pain, the tiredness and muscle exhaustion.

Nobody should choose half a life because that’s what I’m living right now.

The Internet

I spend all of my life on the Internet, and that’s not really an exaggeration. If I’m not on Instagram, I’m on Facebook nearly always looking at pictures of girls with perfect bodies.

I swear my boyfriend thinks I’m bisexual but I am very much heterosexual and I’m very comfortable with that, I just love looking at the bodies and the way they’re shaped because someday I want to look the same.

Right now I can feel my hip bones but I can’t see them…I crave the day when I can see them and the day my thighs stop touching.

It might sound crazy but I’m willing to do anything at all to be thinner. It’s the only thing I want right now.

I can’t wait to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to see a thin girl instead of this ugly fat monster.
That’s why I like to look at other girls, they’re what I want to be and what I will be one day.

I can’t wait for that day.

My Weekend With Anorexia

Saturday
My friend turned 18 on Saturday so of course it became our mission to get him so drunk he couldn’t remember his name. It sounds all fun and games until you look at the alcohol and consider the calorie content.
I love being with my friends but it terrifies me to think that I could gain weight in just one night of letting go, so I can’t let go. I drank very little and stuck to vodka and diet coke (54 calories per single measure) so I didn’t exceed 600 calories on Saturday which is still pretty high, but the doctor will be happy when I weigh in!

Sunday
Yesterday was my grandfather’s 80th birthday and so we had a family barbecue at my Aunt’s house to celebrate. None of them know about my illness and I’d like to keep it that way, so I piled the plate high, and fed most of it to my cousins son which worked out well for the both of us.
I did manage to get a bit of salad down and that seemed to help, I have a little bit more energy today which I’m grateful for. One thing they don’t tell you about anorexia is how tiring it is, I’m always exhausted!

In a nutshell, that’s my high calorie weekend explained…I’ll have to work hard to burn some of it off this week, but I don’t mind too much. It’ll be fun.

Scared

My parents are making dinner tonight and wouldn’t take no for an answer…being out of control of what I put in my body reduced me to tears because I’ll be expected to eat it regardless.

Usually, I make something low calorie such as a salad or I just skip dinner all together but that’s not an option for me.

Food worries me, I often feel sick at the thought of food so not knowing what it is tonight terrifies me to the core.

Of course Ana has something to say about it, she thinks I should eat the vegetables and leave the rest, maybe I will…or I can act as though I’m ill, they know I haven’t felt great today so it might work.

Who knows, but as long as I’m losing weight it’s all okay.

Too Fat For The Internet

I hate going online. I always end up on websites that upset me such as the #ana section of instagram or “pro ana” websites. The simple answer would be to simply not go on them but it’s just not that easy!

I’d love to simply browse on Facebook or look at the news but I just can’t help it, I’m drawn to the places I know I shouldn’t go.

They hurt me more than my Ana in my head can, they make me feel empty and they make me hate myself more than I already do but they’re like a drug to me.
I need to see these things, it reminds me what I want and what I can have.
But then I have to remind myself…I’m ill, I can’t want that because I can’t let myself sink deeper…but it’s hard.

Staying away from them makes my head spin, I love instagram for it because I see things that others are feeling and I can relate to it, I feel like I’m normal. But afterwards I feel such hatred for myself. I should look like they do.

I’m too fat for my eating disorder.

Who Is “Ana” Anyway?

Ana. I hate when people give Anorexia a personality. It makes me shudder for reasons I can’t quite put into words correctly, but there’s no other way to describe Anorexia for me.

“Ana” represents every pressure we feel from society and from ourselves. I know that “Ana” is inside my head, whispering to me “don’t eat that, it’ll make you fatter, have a drink of water instead”. She’s with me everywhere I go, telling me what I can and can’t wear, where I can and can’t go, what I can and can’t do.

Call me silly if you will, but this is how I feel. I feel controlled by a skinny girl who resides inside my head. She won’t go until I’m thinner and I’m happy with that because I know when I’m thinner I’ll be so much happier than I am now.

I don’t like having her around, but I’m grateful that she is, she saps the life from me but it’ll be worth it in the end…it has to be.