Relapse

I’ve been away for a while.
I started to get better, I started to feel okay again…then I saw a picture of a beautiful, skinny girl and looked in the mirror.

I want my boyfriend to look at me and be attracted to me. I’m disgusting. I’m fat and I’m filthy.

So I’m back.
And I’m still too fat for my eating disorder.

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Turmoil

Life is too short to be held back, it ends too easily and too quickly not to cherish every moment of it.

That’s why I decided that I’m not going to be held back by my illness anymore.

I’m officially in recovery, for the last two weeks or so I’ve been trying to stick to the diet given to me by my dietician and so far it’s working.
I’m eating much, much better but my head is still the same as it was before.

I feel much more optimistic though, every day isn’t such an uphill struggle anymore but I have hours or even full days where I feel myself slipping back.

My parents are away from tomorrow, and so I have full control over what I eat…I’m worried that I won’t have anything at all.

Every time I look in the mirror, I look fatter but every time I step on the scale the number shrinks. I’m still in emotional turmoil most of the time, but right now I think I’m doing okay.

My boyfriend thinks I’m fine (he’s away until the end of the week), little does he know that every day I miss him is another day my head spins more and I lean further towards my old self.

I’m still too fat for my eating disorder.

My New Diet Plan

A few days ago I was taken into hospital for a very short while and a condition of my leaving was that I had to follow a strict diet plan – two medium sized meals per day with one snack in between.

It’s hard.

It might not sound overly difficult but every time I bring food near me Ana whispers in my ear, forcing it away.
My head tells me I need to eat but my body just doesn’t want it. Besides, the pain of looking in the mirror hurts more than hunger pains.

Today I plan to have fruit for lunch and then maybe a sandwich later on, wish me luck.

Hospitalisation

Hospitals…vile places full of death and illnesses. I hate them.

Last week I had some blood samples taken to be tested and apparently my body was shutting down because of a lack of sugar, iron and other things I don’t care to remember so they marched me straight off to the hospital.

It took a long while for them to convince me to let them put the needle things in but eventually I complied just so they’d stop getting on at me.
If you can’t tell I’m thoroughly fed up of interference from people who have absolutely no personal experience of anorexia. They’ve studied it and that’s all…they don’t know what it’s like, they just think they do.

So there I was, sat on the bed tapping my fingers while drugs in drip bags were pumped into my body. I honestly felt fine, there was absolutely no need for it.

The first day I was in, I was just on my own for the whole day, I didn’t tell my family because I didn’t want them to worry but the next day it was quite important that I did, they think I went dizzy and fainted.

So here I am now, no better or worse than when I first went in.
I just want to be left alone to deal with this on my own.

Call me ungrateful, but I’m finally getting thinner, I’m finally getting where I want to be and Im incredibly happy with that, so why ruin my happiness just to put some ridiculous vitamins in my body…surely I can just take pills for it anyway.

I’m bored of interference, I’m still too fat to be happy with myself so a message to all doctors – stop calling me, stop giving me “advice” and for the love of God stop telling me it’ll be okay…In return I’ll stop wasting your time.

Our Camping Trip

Camping! Gahh!!!
I love being outside, everything is so fresh and natural and being with friends is even better!
There was about 13 of us, we had so much fun…We even built a small fire!

One of the guys took a barbecue but naturally I rejected all offers of food, they don’t question it anymore they just accept that I don’t want to. I appreciate that a lot.

While we were there I told some of the girls what I’m struggling with and they were incredibly understanding. I didn’t expect them to be because they’re all thin and gorgeous, so I just expected them to blow it off as unimportant, in fact they were quite the opposite.

My boyfriend does vlogs for YouTube and he made and posted a video of the entire night, it’s so nice to be able to look back at it and see everything that happened.

I’m feeling much better about my situation now, it hasn’t completely made me feel better because I’m still struggling and I’m still unable to eat right but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress with simply telling someone.

How To Survive A Day With Anorexia

PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS YOURSELF, UNLESS YOUR BODY IS USED TO IT YOU WILL REALLY DAMAGE YOURSELF!

1) Skip breakfast and weigh myself before I go downstairs.

2) Choose a healthy lunch. For the past few weeks I’ve been eating a small serving of melon and grapes, it adds up to 65 calories.

3) Do a quick workout. Nothing too strenuous, maybe a few jumping jacks or 15 minutes with a jump rope. This gets rid of at least 100 calories.

4) Weigh in again. I don’t worry too much if the scale hasn’t changed, it will eventually.

5) Drink lots of water. The body can cope without a lot of food for a few days or weeks at a time but it cannot do anything without water.

6) Check what I can do for lunch. I usually see what I can make, if there’s nothing I can throw together then I wait and see what my parents are making, if it’s too unhealthy I either pick at it just to keep my metabolism high or leave it and say I’m not hungry.

7) Weigh in again, of the scale hasn’t changed its okay, it might tomorrow. Or that’s what I tell myself. It hurts when it doesn’t move.

8) More exercise. I usually start off with the jumping rope again and then move on to so some pushups and situps, mountain climbers and some other stuff which takes my fancy.

Again, don’t try this, my body is used to this routine now and so it can cope with it.

The Truth About Anorexia

It’s unbelievable how many people there are out there that want anorexia or call themselves “ana” because they’re trying to lose a lot of weight. Why would you want this?

The hard truth is that anorexia hurts. It’s soul destroying and it’s not just simply wanting to lose a bit of weight.
It’s avoiding the mirror because it hurts to see yourself. It isn’t starving yourself, it’s finding ways to stop weight gain and enjoying the empty feeling and the feeling of hunger pains and it’s definitely not telling everyone you’re “pro ana”.

Who could be “pro” something that ruins lives and kills people?

That might sound contradictory because I’ve said I love my eating disorder for helping me in the past, but why pretend to be something you’re not to fit a fashion trend?

Nobody should choose this. Nobody should choose the sleepless nights, the dizziness, the illnesses, the pain, the tiredness and muscle exhaustion.

Nobody should choose half a life because that’s what I’m living right now.

The Internet

I spend all of my life on the Internet, and that’s not really an exaggeration. If I’m not on Instagram, I’m on Facebook nearly always looking at pictures of girls with perfect bodies.

I swear my boyfriend thinks I’m bisexual but I am very much heterosexual and I’m very comfortable with that, I just love looking at the bodies and the way they’re shaped because someday I want to look the same.

Right now I can feel my hip bones but I can’t see them…I crave the day when I can see them and the day my thighs stop touching.

It might sound crazy but I’m willing to do anything at all to be thinner. It’s the only thing I want right now.

I can’t wait to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to see a thin girl instead of this ugly fat monster.
That’s why I like to look at other girls, they’re what I want to be and what I will be one day.

I can’t wait for that day.

My Weekend With Anorexia

Saturday
My friend turned 18 on Saturday so of course it became our mission to get him so drunk he couldn’t remember his name. It sounds all fun and games until you look at the alcohol and consider the calorie content.
I love being with my friends but it terrifies me to think that I could gain weight in just one night of letting go, so I can’t let go. I drank very little and stuck to vodka and diet coke (54 calories per single measure) so I didn’t exceed 600 calories on Saturday which is still pretty high, but the doctor will be happy when I weigh in!

Sunday
Yesterday was my grandfather’s 80th birthday and so we had a family barbecue at my Aunt’s house to celebrate. None of them know about my illness and I’d like to keep it that way, so I piled the plate high, and fed most of it to my cousins son which worked out well for the both of us.
I did manage to get a bit of salad down and that seemed to help, I have a little bit more energy today which I’m grateful for. One thing they don’t tell you about anorexia is how tiring it is, I’m always exhausted!

In a nutshell, that’s my high calorie weekend explained…I’ll have to work hard to burn some of it off this week, but I don’t mind too much. It’ll be fun.

Ideal Weight

So when I did the ritual weighing and crying this morning I got straight on the Internet to check if my BMI had changed and now I’m finally a healthy weight!!

It feels brilliant not to be overweight anymore and I don’t really care what my family or friends would think, I owe it all to my eating disorder and I couldn’t be happier.

I’m starting to feel like my anorexia is a life choice rather than an illness or a hassle, it’s helping me to get where I want to be!

It’s confusing, my head is still one big mixed up mess right now but it’s getting clearer each time I lose a pound, thank you Ana.